Sunday, 18 November 2012

One Tight Slap!

The slap was such an integral part of growing up that I miss it sometimes. By the time I passed school, I got so used to getting slapped that it really didn't matter anymore. The normal reaction to the phase - "If you do this, you will get one tight slap" was kind of like - "Just a slap? I mean...that’s all?"...and off I went to the liquor shop after college to get myself a beer.

But yes...there is a difference between getting slapped by someone you know and getting slapped by a policeman. The latter (always delivered harder and with sheer precision) often left a ringing sound in the ear for a good hour or so. My study (done during the last 3 years of college, sitting outside 'Aunty’s Tea Shop') revealed that every time a policeman slapped someone, (especially college kids caught drinking beer behind the liquor shop) it was delivered with an undying sense of passion and honesty...words that were missing from the police dictionary (owing to the fact that all the pages after the word Corruption went missing). It was a policeman's divine duty to slap 'peace loving beer drinking college kids' behind the liquor shop...if slapping was a sport, I know one or two policemen who would have got the Khel Ratna. It was what God, in a dream, told a policeman to do as often as he could (apart from taking money from truck drivers) to ensure that he was not a policeman again in his next life. The other difference was that a policeman would never say - "If you do this I will slap you". He slaps you straightaway. For a 'peace loving beer drinking college kid' such a slap was often very difficult to anticipate. Like the slap the 'peace loving and probably beer drinking kid' in the in the center fresh chewing gum ad got from his dad after failing in his exams. (Link to the ad, if you have not seen this –

Slaps in school could be classified according to the subject. The hardest came from Math teacher, followed by the Science teacher, then by the Social Science teacher, the English teacher, the Language on and so forth. I was not particularly good in Math and the Math teacher was not exactly my best friend. (In school, even if you are not good in Math, you can still be best friends with the Math teacher if you take private tuition from him...along with all the other students who were good in Math but still wanted to be best friends with the Math teacher...just in case). So being bad in Math and not being best friends with the Math teacher lead to situations like these:

Math Teacher: One pipe can fill a tank in 5 minutes and another can empty the tank in 10 minutes. If both the pipes are opened together how long will it take to fill the tank? Any Questions? 

Sanjit Phukan: Yes sir! Sir, what is the objective? Is it to fill the tank or empty the tank? If it’s to fill the tank then why open the other pipe at all? (I always found it amazing that people required Math to solve such simple, man-made problems of life) 

Math Teacher: You think you are very smart? SLAP. (Completely un-anticipated, quick swing of the arm, flawless)

I know text books can’t be wrong but it’s been more than 16 years since the above slap and I have not come across a tank that has 2 pipes, (one to fill it and one to empty it) with both of them opened together with an objective to fill it. If you tell a plumber that this is what you tried to solve in school in the Math class...he would probably never send his kids to school. But change is constant! I have heard that the above problem was removed from the text books a few years back. It has been replaced by this one - 1 labourer can build a wall in 5 days and one labourer can break it in 10 days. If both the labourers are working together, how long will it take to build the wall? Sure someone somewhere is getting slapped. (Btw: Now that Bal Thackeray dead, I wonder who is paying the other labourer to break the wall)


  1. Ha Ha Ha!!!How about I give you a big tight hug? Which by the way can be equally lethal as a slap. I have been known to break some ribs by doing that once upon a time!!!Maybe your maths teacher should have been subjected to one.

  2. I can introduce you to my Math teacher Boss...will be more than happy to do that!

  3. hahaha dude! good one. couldn't get barney stinson out of my head while reading your creation!! keep the entertainment alive!!!

  4. Killer... memories i must say....

  5. Thanks Toni!!! Happy you liked it!!!

  6. hahahaha.....brings back all those school days back. Seems as if it was just yesterday.

  7. I sometime got slapped so hard that it would ring in my ears deafening and muting the wide range of dialogues that follow soon after. So it numbed you to a point of stinging happiness.